Lee-ow? Note that this is reanimated Sonic. The one with teeth.

Welcome back to The Lounge. Please sit down as I read this letter I drafted to Sonic. No, not Sonic from video game and theater fame, but rather the carhop fast-food chain we’ve all grown to love.

Sonic, oh Sonic (read like O Captain, My Captain!). I enjoy you. I really do. The half-priced happy hour drinks are incredible. I am a fiend for diet coke. And half-priced diet coke? In my carhop? Incredible. But Sonic. You’ve invented a concoction that concerns me in ways I did not believe to be feasible or possible or anything.

You invented a product that led me to have a spiritual experience in a bad way. My soul left my body in ways that should be impossible and now I’m forced to live that way. The product in discussion and consideration is the new burger - The Biggie Cheese.

Now, what is the Biggie Cheese? I’m so sorry you asked. There are two potential routes we can go with the Biggie Cheese. We will first start with the meme, Biggie Cheese:

Biggie Cheese is a rapping mouse character from the 2006 computer-animated comedy film Barnyard, who is named after the deceased rapper Biggie Smalls. Online, the character gained much notoriety after being featured in a series of screenshots depicting an interesting chat conversation.
“Biggie Cheese.” Know Your Meme, 13 Aug. 2019, https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/biggie-cheese.

I never thought I’d do an MLA citation for Biggie Cheese. Anyway, please inquire to that article. The underlined, italicized, and bold phrase “interesting” was definitely a different word but you can inquire yourself on what it’s meant to be. This is Biggie Cheese One.

Now we’re on to Biggie Cheese Two, the one I experienced. Now, I have the Sonic App, and received the following notification:

Oh God. I emailed this picture to myself from my other email and Gmail asked me if it was spam. Yeah.

Above I highlighted: “View Legal Details”. Also above shows the first image of The Beast itself. I had no idea what the implications of Legal Details on a cheeseburger promo could be, let alone on a monstrosity of a burger. What could it be? Pepto-Bismol not provided? If you have a heart attack in the parking lot the carhops have no obligation to revive you? Unfortunately, it just ended up being about taxes or something so whatever.

So I decided to go ahead and order it. Please don’t judge me. Matthew and I had been driving back from Arkansas for hours and I was delusional. I did the order ahead and picked up Matthew a meal as well. I drove there, heart-thumping, not knowing that soon would be the theme for my entire evening and the next day as well. I have never felt like less of a person than when I had to look them in the eyes as they read out my order:

Biggie Cheese
Chilli Cheese Fries
Coney Dog
Double Cheeseburger

Did I mention that it was just me in the car? Just me. Not Matthew. This was my order and it appeared to be just for me. I drove out of there the second the bag was in my hand. I haven’t gone back since. I got home and unwrapped the burger, and was forced to face the reality of my actions. The rest is history. I ate the Biggie Cheese and stared at the mirror for an undisclosed amount of time. I then experienced the fastest heartburn I had ever experienced. I mean mere minutes. It persisted all night. It persisted the next day. It may even still be burning to this day. Like an unfortunate and endless wildfire.

I can divide my life into two phases. Pre-Biggie Cheese, Post-Biggie Cheese. Here we are living in the Post-Biggie Cheese.

The Biggie Cheese was a Double Cheeseburger with various accouterments. It was aight I guess, feel free to do whatever. This is the state I live in now. Here we are and here we go.

I hope you had a good visit to The Lounge. I have to go lay down now. I’m exhausted.

An Open Letter to Sonic's Biggie Cheese